


hide & seek

by nervecore



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: ALSO USE OF NEOPRONOUNS, Guns, I am so sorry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, VERY ANGSTY IN THE END, blood mention at the end, but with a plot twist, chan is portrayed as a good friend and a mess, chill day until its not, enjoy it I guess, hide&seek, inspired by hide&seek by lizz robinett, minho has some medical conditions, no beta we die like men, sadness overload, there is a kiss though, theyre in love but universe said no
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:54:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28481961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nervecore/pseuds/nervecore
Summary: “can we play a round of hide and seek?” minho asked with a little smile and honestly who was chan to say ‘no’? yeah, he had a lot on his plate in that very moment with all the thoughts haunting him, but hide and seek was minho’s favourite game. he could put the concerns past himself and give feli a good run with the game.
Relationships: Bang Chan & Lee Minho | Lee Know, Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	hide & seek

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aishiterumo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aishiterumo/gifts).



> hello this is a very due christmas gift for my wife, ash <3
> 
> ITS VERY ANGSTY, PLEASE READ TAGS. ALSO MINHO USES NEOPRONOUNS: fel/feli/felis/felis/feliself. NOT CHECKED FOR GRAMMAR MISTAKES OR MISTAKES IN GENERAL !!
> 
> enjoy !! :D

chan loved minho a lot. as a friend. as a sibling. they have been really good friends for a long, long time and chan always understood what minho felt, despite the fact that fel was expressing feliself in weird ways at times. fel had problems understanding some things every now and then and felis reactions and actions were on a broken spectrum of morals because of that. but chan was forgiving, of course he was forgiving. they were friends and friends, despite not being forced to do that, were usually trying to help each other every now and then. so chan was always trying to get what minho was going through or feeling. it was only fair.

however, on minho’s end, understanding and putting soul in the friendship… these were completely inconsistent. however, the older boy never minded that small detail. he was aware that fel was trying felis best and he was proud of feli for that. the fact that minho was even trying meant a whole lot to chan and he was always letting feli know about that. it made the younger feel better about felis attempts. it was quite endearing in chan’s opinion. because minho was endearing in his eyes.

despite all the ‘flaws’ and the strange behaviour fel was exhibiting at times, chan was still seeing the good in feli. 

one of the things that the older boy found so interesting about minho was felis liking to play hide and seek and felis reaction whenever fel was winning by finding chan in his hiding spots. one could point out that minho was acting childish because of such games and other things, ‘only kids’ would do or say. but chan definitely never minded, he just wanted to make minho’s world more joyful, if no one else was going to do so.

it was kind of a sacrifice. but the older was fully commited to it. and he wasn’t going to back away any time soon, most probably.

that… until that one damned day.

it started like any other day, really. chan was all alone in his home at that time, so he of course thought that minho would maybe want to hang out with him at his house. so that’s what he did. chan messaged fel asking if fel was up to spend time together and fel agreed in a matter of seconds. happy about the outcome, chan started to arrange some things and also look for some snacks they both could munch on, while doing random activities. chan had no idea what they were going to do exactly, but he assumed they might watch something, play some board games. they would surely end up playing hide and seek as well, it couldn’t be avoided. not that chan minded, not at all. he was kind of excited about it, if he had to be honest.

while thinking about what him and minho could do, he almost lost the track of time, because he got startled when he ehard the knocks on his door. he had a doorbell, but fel never used it for some reason. fel only said that fel like knocking more. each to their own, in the end. that’s what chan always told himself and he always stuck by his words regarding that. how could he not, in the first place anyway?

chan made his way towards the door and unlocked it and then opened it, letting minho in. he smiled at the other person and fel returned the smile. however, there was something about it that didn’t seem quite right. the older shrugged it off. there was no reason for minho to act weird or anythong of the sorts. ar at least that’s what he thought. but details, anyway.

“what would you like to do?” chan asked fel as soon as they arrived in chan’s living room. minho took a seat on the couch and looked around as if fel didn’t know chan’s entire house anyway. once again, the older just shrugged it off. fel probably had felis own reasons for doing that. and that fel did.

“do you have anything planned yet?” minho suddenly asked and locked eyes with chan. that was a first to some extent. fel always liked to pick the activity they were going to do, so to have fel throwing the ball back in chan’s field felt kind of foreign. but he didn’t mind it, he was just happy. because that could mean that minho was doing some improvements regarding felis perception of others and such. 

“we could watch something and maybe play some board games? then we could also play hide and seek, if you want?” chan asked minho, who only let out a ‘hmm’ for a bot and then fel smiled, nodding in agreement.

“that sounds amazing, actually. what should we watch? you can pick that as well.” fel told chan, who just looked even more amazed by the sudden actions of the other. minho thought it was cute to some extent. fel should have tried to let chan pick things to do more often. fel felt kind of bad, but that wasn’t why fel was there that day. to feel bad.

minho was there to make most of it and that was what he was going to do, no matter what. no bad feelings, only great times.

“i mean, there are some movies or documentaries i wanted to watch for a while, so could you tell me if you prefer movies or documentaries for starters? then we can exclude a category. after, we can concentrate on the genres…” chan started rambling, not realising that he was still trying to please minho to some extent.

“chan, it’s okay. you can choose whatever you feel like watching the most at this very moment. i know it’s weird for you to have me say this, but i’m trying to make it up for you. you’ve been nothing but nice and understanding to me. it’s the time i do that.” minho reassured the older with a smile and chan felt himself melting at that.

he had no words. he had no idea how to act in such a situation, because it was always him trying to understand. of course, he did not mind, ever. but still… it was strange. nicely strange.

“oh… okay, yeah. sure.” chan finally answered and took the remote, opening the tv and then connecting to netflix, going through his list of movies and documentaries he would like to watch. it was a pretty lengthy list, both of them could admit to that, but it was not a menace. the older just needed to pick one he felt like watching and then they both could get cozy on the couch and indulge themselves in what was playing on the screen.

after a bit of thinking, chan finally decided on a space related documentary. he loved the space, but some strings pulling at his heart also told him that he might have chosen that, due to the fact that minho also enjoyed anything related to space, no matter how complicated or ‘uninteresting’ it could be. upon taking that into consideration, chan figured that fel might be aware he subconsciously had chosen that type of documentary for the reason mentioned prior.

but fel didn’t seem to comment on the choice. so that meant that fel probably didn’t realsie what chan just did.

but minho did. fel just decided not to say anything about it, at least not in that very moment. fel was going to just keep it to feliself until later.

“sweet or savoury?” fel asked suddenly as felis hands were hovering over two different types of snacks, quirking an eyebrow while staring at chan. the older hummed in response, thinking about which one he was craving more in that moment.

“savoury.” he finally decided, so minho took a bag of chips and opened it, placing the contents of the bag in a bowl. fel placed the bowl between the two of them on the couch by the time the intro of the documentary was over. now they could pay attention only to what was going on in front of them and not worry over the snacks. of course, they could always pause the documentary and get more, but they liked to indulge themselves totally while watching something. it was some kind of unspoken rule between them, to pay as much undivided attention as possible to the screen. it was kind of weird, yeah.

but it was their weird thing. and they enjoyed it quite a lot, actually.

a comfortable silence fell upon them. however, there was a lingering strange feeling to it. something that chan couldn’t put his finger on. ever since minho came in his house that day, things felt… weird. like they weren’t alright. like there was something bothering not only minho, but also the matters of their friendship. it felt heavy, uncomfortably heavy. it made chan lose himself in his thoughts, completely ignoring the sounds and pictures from the tv. he felt like acknowledging that there was something wrong was suffocating him, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask what was going on. he had no idea how. and even if he knew how, he thought that he wouldn’t want to know the answers.

by the time chan made up his mind to finally ask if there was something wrong, the documentary was rolling some thanks and minho wasn’t on the couch anymore. confused, he tried to think back if fel said anything about going somewhere. he did recall hearing some muffled sound like minho’s voice, telling him that fel was going to the bathroom.

oh. yeah, that made sense. chan sighed relieved and then closed the tv, going upstairs. he needed to bring some board games for him and minho to play. he figured that fel would make him choose his favourite ones, so chan was going to pull out the ones he enjoyed the most.

but they were minhos’ favourites as well… now how was he going to explain that? of course, there were others chan enjoyed but… why does everything he liked also links to minho for some reason? aside from the fact that they are really close friends, he started feeling like because he always tried to adapt to minho’s interests, he kind of forgot what he enjoyed and just adopted everything fel found entertaining.

“god, it feels like i don’t have my own personality and likes anymore.” the older told himself and there was an underlying feeling of disappointment in hiw own person. he would never mind it when it was for minho, but the realisation struck him harder than what he expected. it made him sad. fel was finally asking chan what he liked and he couldn’t find anything that wasn’t in any way, shape or form related to feli.

he sighed and shook away the thoughts, not wanting to ruin the day with minho. he took the games and started heading downstairs, where fel filled the bowl once again and even took some glasses and poured some of the soda chan had in his fridge. the sight made the older have a tiny smile on his face. maybe he was kind of down, because of what he found out. but he wouldn’t give minho for anything else in the world, even if that meant that he would lose bits and pieces of himself.

it sounded kind of depressing and he couldn’t lie, it was. chan knew that one day they would get to the point that they will depend on each other in some unhealthy ways. and yeah, it was bad. but it couldn’t be helped, because none of them were actually harming the other. or so chan wanted to think. despite all the reassurement and the thoughts that what was going on could have a pass, since it wasn’t that ‘bad’, they were both aware that it wasn’t as they wanted to make it to be.

“ready for some board games?” chan asked in a cheerful tone, trying to hate the emptiness of his heart and eyes. but minho caught on. of course fel caught on. but once again, fel did not say a single word. not yet. it wasn’t the right time.

“i am always ready.” fel joked and chuckled softly, moving the coffee table a bit more towards the tv, so they could have more space to play on the floor. fel then sat down and looked at chan placing the boxes on the couch. “which one first from the three?” fel proceeded to ask, as fel scanned the names on the side of the boxes. fel knew the games already, of course, but fel still hoped there was one that maybe fel did not enjoy and chan did.

minho was only left with a taste of disappointment in his mouth. fel tried not to sigh and fel did that succesfully.

“let’s start from the top.” fel proposed and chan only nodded his head, taking the first box from the pile and opening it, starting to set the game. they spent a few hours playing and jokingly shouting at each other for ‘chaeeting’ or for being too ‘lucky’. of course, it wasn’t an actual thing they were mad over. but it made them have even more fun to some extent if you could interpret it that way.

after they got tired of playing board games, chan excused himself to go to the bathroom. the worry from earlier went away for a few hours, but now it was back and it made him low-key sick to his stomach. he wanted to ask minho if fel had the same feeling as him or if everything was just going on in his head. but that couldn’t be, though…

he sighed and looked at himself in the mirror. who was he? or more accurately… was he someone if he didn’t have minho? did he have a purpose if minho ever left him? would he be content with his own life if fate separates them? or was he going to be just an empty shell, no one wanted? it would be hard for him to find someone to fill the void that could form if one day, by chance, minho wasn’t by his side anymore. he needed to live for himself, but why was that such a hard task all of a sudden? why?

why? why? why?

“you’re…” he started saying but some knocks on the bathroom door, so he stopped speaking, moving his gaze from the window towards the door.

“are you okay, chan?” fel asked, worry dripping from felis soft voice. it made chan feel at peace for just a moment. but immediately after, he realised that the voice that was bringing him comfort was also bringing issues in his life in that very moment. it was a scary realisation and even scarier experience. he wanted it to be over.

and over it was going to be.

“yeah, sorry.” chan answered and then washed his hands, drying them with a towel and then he exited the bathroom, giving a bitter smile to minho. once again, fel caught that, but decided not to speak up about it. because after all, it was going to be over soon. all was going to be over soon. nothing else was going to hurt. nothing else would concern any of them. it was going to be fine. they were going to be okay. it was going to be okay. yeah, definitely. minho was going to make sure of that. fel had plans.

“can we play a round of hide and seek?” minho asked with a little smile and honestly who was chan to say ‘no’? yeah, he had a lot on his plate in that very moment with all the thoughts haunting him, but hide and seek was minho’s favourite game. he could put the concerns past himself and give feli a good run with the game.

“of course! do you want to hide or to seek?” chan asked as if he didn’t know the answer already. but he still wanted to be sure.

“i know you’re the one supposed to choose today, but i would like to hide.” minho told him and that shocked chan quite a bit. fel never wanted to hide, fel preferred seeking and fel loved whenever fel found chan.

“oh yeah, that’s fine. i will go near the door of my house and you take your time hiding. call my phone when you’re done doing so.” he told minho and fel only nodded, pushing chan lightly to make him go where he had to go. chan complied and waited for minho to find felis hiding spot. while waiting, he made sure that his phone was not on silent and then he started going through some of his social media. not so long after, his screen showed minho calling him, so he declined the call and put his phone in his back pocket. he started looking around to see any clues of where minho could be hiding.

chan wasn’t able to find anything on the ground floor, so he started making his way upstairs. he had no rooms that were classified as in ‘no, don’t go there’, so fel could be hiding in any spot of the house. he sighed and started going through all the rooms he had on the upper floor of his home. first room, nothing. second room, nothing. third room… nothing. where the hell was minho?

as chan was checking the last two rooms of his upper floor and finding only dust, he looked around dumbfounded. that until minho decided to call him, so the older picked up. but before he could even get one word out and praise minho for getting better at hiding, fel let out a dry chuckle that caught his attention. because felis chuckles never sounded like that, no matter the mood fel was in. but before he could ask, minho’s voice was heard on the line.

“chris…” fel started, feeling like there was some pressure of felis voice. “you think i don’t notice things, but i do. i always do. i just decide to let them pass, because i know that’s what you want for some reason. i should have been better to you. i should have been the friend you also were to me, but i wasn’t. and today, while trying, i discovered how much of your life i stole away from you. even in our last moments, you tried to be good to me. even when you realised you live to some extent in my shadow, you still decided to put your worries past you. despite everything, you still seek happiness through me. and when i’m not there to give it to you… you have no purpose, do you?”

chan had no words. he had no idea what to say, but he went against the wall and slided down at the bottom of it. he let out a choked sob, minho’s words stabbing right through his heart. as if he didn’t have enough of that from his own thoughts. but it was fine. because it was minho.

“chris…” fel started as soon as fel heard the sob. “that’s what was bothering you the entire day, wasn’t it? you are aware i don’t have much to live anymore. you always dismissed that from the reality. forgot that the fact existed. will you be able to live alone? will you be able to get yourself from this? or will you live in the shadow of a dead person? tell me chris, are you ready to live a life without me? everything was healthy all along, but you never tried to break free… why? why didn’t you think about yourself? for once? why did you make your own life so hard?”

“i… i have… i have no idea, minho.” chan sobbed out, tears already streaming down his face. his voice was muffled, since he was hugging his legs to his chest with just one hand, since he was holding the phone with the other. “how much is there left, minho?”

he could hear minho sigh on the other line, as fel was wiping away felis own tears that dropped on his cheeks. fel didn’t want to give that piece of information to chan. fel knew it would break him even more in that very moment. but there was no way back. because fel had a plan. if chan’s life was nothing without minho, then no one was qualified to have chan. chan was his friend. they were dependent on each other. and if minho could not have chan after felis death and if chan could not live without minho, it was only fair to take him with feli.

“doctors told me by the end of tomorrow my body will fail. they asked me to remain in the hospital, but i refused.” minho started telling chan, but the older stopped fel.

“but you wanted one last day with me.” chan said between sobs, minho being silent on the other line for some moments.

“yeah…” fel hummed, but there was a bittersweetness to it. “chris… will you be able to push forward? i wnat you to be honest with me. death is scary, but i don’t wnat to take away from you the chance to re-make your life in something that could bloom beautifully.” there was a finality to minho’s words chan was afraid of. his decision was going to decide if him and minho were going to go beyond the alive realm.

the thought of dying scared chan. he didn’t want it to end like that, but thinking back on all his life, he was asking himself as well: was there any purpose for him to live beyond minho’s existence? he could deem himself content with his life, because he made his friend’s one better, for as much as it lasted. he always knew there will be a soon end to minho’s life, but he always refused to see the truth. and now it was hitting him full force.

“i don’t want to hide from the actual answer. i will probably be miserable and even if i tried, i would probably not be able to create a life for myself.”

that broke minho’s heart more than what fel expected. fel wanted chan to say that he wanted to live on, but fel knew it would never happen. it wasn’t bad to hope, but it surely hurt when things weren’t going the way you wanted. minho felt like everything was felis fault. some would blame feli, yes. but chan would never, because after all… it was his choice. he put himself all of that and decided his role in the story that was about to end.

“very well…” minho simply said. “your own accord or do you want me to do it?”

“i want you to do it.”

“chan…”

“minho, you said you want things to go by my preference today.” chan shut minho up. “come out.”

fel ended the call and then after a bit, fel opened the door to the basement. maybe chan knew minho was there all along. but all the signs from that day spoke to him, probably. perhaps, in the back of his mind he expected that. to the core of his heart, there was a chance that he knew all along what would happen. he just didn’t fully cknowledge that.

minho then opened the door of the closet and his heart broke in a million pieces, seeing chan like that. it was making the process of loading the gun even harder. it was like fel was going in slow motion. chan couldn’t blame feli, though. it was a rough thing. to be the reason why your best friend would not see another day. it was dawning on minho’s conscience. chan was udnerstanding. upon stopping his crying, the older stood up, helping himself by leaning on the wall.

“any last words?” minho suddenly asked, as fel finished loading the gun. fel locked eyes with chan who just gave a quivering sad smile.

“i love you.”

that shot minho like a bullet, deep in the heart. a sob escaped felis lips.

“i love you too, chan. more than i should. in a way i shouldn’t. it’s already too late to say that, but i’ve loved you so much. i am so sorry that i let you get in this state, but i always knew you loved me like this too. i just didn’t want to make it worse. i knew it would… i couldn’t do that to you. not when you’re…” minho started talking, hot tears spilling, felis hands trembling and felis whole body shaking. he felt like everything was felis fault. he should have never taken chan through all that.

what fel never expected was chan hugging him, tightly. it made felis whole body relax. for a second, fel thought that maybe it was not felis fault. maybe it was not that bad. maybe their end was not a tragic one.

“it’s okay minho, i understand. i do.” chan told feli and minho couldn’t do anything but break down in tears. the older started whispering reassuring words in felis ear, rocking back and forth with feli in the hug.

“i know it’s too late to ask for such a thing but… can you kiss me?” minho suddenly requested. fel locked eyes with chan, who smiled and nodded, leaning in and closing the distance between their lips. it was sweet, depsite everything. maybe too sweet. so sweet that minho could feel feliself getting tensed up again with fear and regret. chan didn’t deserve any of that. why was he so good to minho even in those last moments?

“pull the trigger, minho.” chan said between the kiss. that made feli freeze for a second and he could feel the threatening tears in the corner of felis eyes. “do it.”

and that’s what minho did. fel pulled the trigger, aiming for chan’s heart. a loud bang echoed through the house, the older’s body falling lifeless on the floor, a puddle of blood forming under.

“i’m so sorry, my love, you deserved better than all of this, i’m so sorry. you deserved a friend who wouldn’t be prone to die as soon as they were born, due to health difficulties. you deserved someone who wouldn’t take your life. you deserved happiness. and that’s everything i wasn’t able to give you. no matter how much hide and seek we did with our own fates, feelings and story, it still wasn’t enough to wipe away the outcome. wait for me, i’m coming.”


End file.
